Time for some Jokes

A little Girl, asks her Mum can I take the Dog for a walk round the block
No says her Mum, she's on heat. What does that mean said the little Girl
Go, and ask your Dad, I think he's in the garage.
The little Girl goes into the garage, and says Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block ? I asked Mum, and she said the Dog was on heat, and to come, and ask you
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the the Dogs bottom with it to disguise the scent, and said OK, you can take Lulu on the leash, and only go round the block once.
The little Girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no Dog on the leash
Surprised, Dad asked where's Lulu


The little Girl said, I think she must have run out of petrol. About halfway round the block she suddenly stopped to be friends with another Dog, and now it's pushing her back home

WS

:Ha: cheeky but very A good giggle to start the day WS

littlewid-x-

WS

Lai

Life lessons. My wife had me tell the grandson bout the birds and bees one afternoon. He asked when we were in the yard. After i told him he sat on a bench in deep thought for a half hour. Got up and never asked another question.
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Good one willcfish
WS

Sounds like he was stunned into silence

littlewid-x-

TRAIN TICKET


Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football match.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket ?' asks one of the
men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but
see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all !!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and
walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'


I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women
WS

clever Women WS.......men should just give up trying to believe the are the clever ones.......Women rule

littlewid-x-

WS - I love that one!

Lai

Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.

WS

those were great WS and it's lovely to have a good chuckle on a wet Monday.

Lai

They have just made me chuckle too WS, just brilliant, hard to pick a favourite there as they are all so funny.......goes to show you do need to read what your write before you hit send

littlewid-x-

:Ha: :Ha: :Ha:

SM

This is quite clever, and sadly, so very true.

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Brilliant!!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

WS

100% WS.

A good one to think about.

Lai

Ditto there Lai.

Common Sense has gone and Mad World has taken his place.

Very thought provoking WS

littlewid-x-

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen ..

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
WS

Technology

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

''This is the 21st century" she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.''

I can tell you, fly never knew what hit him...
WS

don't know how I missed the first one WS about the Band-Aids, that was so funny

Had to think about the second one but when the penny dropped :Ha:

littlewid-x-

Had to read it twice WS - but then

Lai

See I told you so. Drinking Boddingtons make sense

Think on...........................

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!

I'm off for a drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WS

Trust you to find those stats WS

littlewid-x-

Nice posts are available here and I like.

Cheers WS

Yes RepchikaGeorge WS has some good ones!

SM

WS - very funny

Lai