Time for some Jokes

Talking centipede


A little giggle to start the week right

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet
So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.
He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.
So he asked the centipede
in the box,
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer
from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to church with me
and receive blessings?"
But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.
The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.
This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ' s house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
church with me
and learn about God?"

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!
I 'm putting my shoes on!"

WS

:Ha: :Ha: Thats so funny WS and for some silly reason thats not what I was expecting the punch line to be (silly me was thinking he had a deaf centipede ). That was a corker to wake up to this morning and one that will be repeated at work today

littlewid-x-

you got me there WS, i wasn't expecting that .....................

Lai

A friend told me this at work and it made me giggle.

Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

littlewid-x-

Littlewid. That's so funny, I really wasn't expecting the punchline!

Lai

Brilliant LW, we've still got tears running down our cheeks, ages after reading that. The punch lines a killer
WS

glad I gave you both a giggle.....it made me laugh too

littlewid-x-

Subject: irish saw mill accident

Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey person put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

WS

that's a classic WS. Really good one for today, thanks.

Lai

:Ha: Thats a corker WS, didnt even twig when the head was put in a plastic bag.....i'm as dopey as Paddy but not to dopey to remember that and pass it on I hope. Loved that one

littlewid-x-

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid! "
WS

Great jokes WS!

I am not much good at telling them myself, and probably worse at trying to guess what is going to happen next in the story/joke. Aah yes, never put a head in a plastic bag...

I thought that with Mick as a name there could be a 'taking the Mick' element. Before the punchline it could be, "It will cost you an arm and a leg to take the Mick!"

Oh and Bill is obviously a very good husband, keeping his word like that

I like too how you get the accent in there with elicopter :)

WS - a good one to start the day.

Lai

We haven't had a joke for a while, so here goes...........


Did you hear the one about the Red sauce chasing the Brown Sauce.............




he couldn't Ketchup


littlewid-x-

Ooooo LW that is so old
It made me
WS

Very LW and a good thread reviver!

Not that I will contribute anything as I don't really know/tell jokes. My stuff is more observational humour...or just general weirdness

The Amazing Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

WS

& WS!

We should be able to come up with some jokes & metaphors re opposable thumbs...

Well, here is a chant for starters:

One, two, three, four
I declare a thumb war

And WS, you've given me my next pick up line/s:

"Hey hot stuff! Check out my thumbs. Are you opposed to them? No, thought not."

As an opposite, the fingers are considered good, right? For we say fingers crossed And everything is good with four, as we all know, and we have four fingers.

Finger food can be good too

P

On my drive back to work I realised that my theory is totally out of whack! For we can give someone the finger, but also the thumbs up

So todays lesson is; There are pros and cons to everything

P

Littlewid - that's an oldie

enjoying this revived thread but not sure I should comment on men's thumbs actually I thought it was the length of their middle finger bent down on their palm that gave length and def. to mention it!

Anyway enough on that.

As ever P I like all your scenarios.

Lai

I'm thinking that female palm readers aren't telling us what they're really

And if I ever get caught giving a woman the middle finger I will say, "but I'm just showing you my length; it's actually a sign of endearment." Probably won't get out of the bad books with that though and will still have to it out of there

I want to say something to clean up this post a little, but can't think of anything!



These can help Aren't they pretty?!

And these cannot be beaten for shucks inducingness!



I am smelling like a rose again

GR a massively good attempt and success in cleaning up S knew you could do it and come up smelling of

I like the reference to though

Mrs Kipia
aka E

Yeah, if you look me up in the dictionary you get roses

I'm practically perfect

Let's make it out of there a popular phrase around here

Thirteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
10. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
11. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you, it just finds it interesting.

And last, but not least:
13. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!

WS

WS - I feel sure we ladies need to come back with some sharp reply to that ........


1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to set the clock in the VCR.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

Lai