Jokers Page

We were having a BBQ on Sunday when a frozen chicken landed on my head then a bag of sprouts and last a chocolate cream cake
Apparently it was the fall out from Iceland
WS

Thats a cracker WS Just hope the chicken didn't hurt too much......OUCH

littlewid-x-

Paddy was stopped by the Police who asked him where he was between 6 and 11
After and thinking for a while Paddy replied
Infant School
WS

it's the way you tell 'em WS

littlewid-x-

How did i guess that WS would be on this page - keep 'em coming

I can never remember jokes

Mx

Ditto TTM - i am the worst a remembering the punch line, so it's best not to even try!

Lai

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

Lai

Brilliant TB Love it thats one to tell in the Pub I'm running tonight.We have'nt had a joke for ages but it was worth waiting for
Thanks TB
WS

Good to see the Joke thread up and running again...Nice one TB

littlewid-x-

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not
a patient should be institutionalised. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than
the spoon or the teacup..'




'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

good one TB

Lai

Good one TB, my brain went along with the Bucket so maybe I need a bed too

Do you have anymore jokes up your sleeve

littlewid-x-

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "I must stress, you don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I said to her her, 'Darling, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?"a member of the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Love it TB......clever woman , women always have the last laugh

littlewid-x-

Brilliant TB I'm getting to the end of my stint at the Pub now, ang getting a bit tired. They really gave me a laugh, and a lift. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.
WS
PS are there any more beds by the window

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.
So Mary called him a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

TB that is soooooo cheeky, but sooooo funny ........need to remember to park my car in a senior citizen free zone

littlewid-x-

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a
little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES!
I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
WS

It's a bit too to go trying that one at the moment WS but......clever lady.......typical blokes always knew there was never such a thing as a dumb blonde

littlewid-x-

good one for us blondes WS - great joke to start the day

Lai

Got a dog from a blacksmith last week, every time it wakes up it makes a bolt for the door


got really emotional this morning at the petrol station. Don’t know why, just started filling up.


........................................................I'll get my coat

Lai

ok i have one

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman are all the pub having a pint and a chat.

The Englishman said "i called my son George as he was born on St George's Day"

The Scotsman said " that's funny as i called my son Andrew as he was born on St Andrew's Day"

The Welshman said " and i called my son David as he was born on St David's Day"

The Irishman said " well i called my son pancake"

TTMx

TTMx

TB & TTM you have both just cracked me up, those are brilliant, they had me giggling very loudly More please

littlewid-x-