Jokers Page

Trouble is most of the jokes I hear are from rugby players and they're really suitable for on here I think :)

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off..........................(old Tommy Cooper joke)

A man shouts into the phone "My wife is pregnant and the contractions are only 2 minutes apart."

"Is this her first child?" asks the doc.

"No", shouts the man, "this is her husband"

Tommy Cooper was so funny TB, I love that Joke. You are giving me a real giggle today

littlewid-x-

Brilliant Minty & TB I'll remember them for the Pub. Talking of which

A friends Wife asked him to go out, and buy something to make her look sexy
You should have seen her face when he came back with 24 cans of Stella

WS

Brilliant TB

That is my only joke and i love it, i can usually never remember the punchlines or i get it wrong

TTMx

Little Mary came home from school full of excitement. "Mummy mummy" she cried "we saw daddy and auntie Jane going into the woods behind the school at lunchtime so we went and spied on them to see what they were doing". "Did you dear, and what where they doing?"."Well first of all daddy put his hand up auntie jane's jumper, then auntie Jane put her hand inside daddy's trousers, and then, and then"."That is enough dear why dont we keep the rest of the story until tea time when daddy comes home and also auntie Jane and your uncle Billy are coming to tea so it will be a nice surprise for them wont it!" So tea time comes and little Mary is enticed to tell her story to a wider audience so prompterd by her mother she begins, through to where she had been stopped earlier. "And then ,and then mummy , daddy and auntie Jane started doing what you and uncle Billy do when daddy is away on the oil rigs."

Moral always let a child finish their story.

how many red faces at that tea table TB whats the saying......out of the mouths of babes

littlewid-x-

WS

I love these 2 cartoons they were some of a load I got from Mrs S's work
WS

just got the first one

Lai

Brilliant WS......the Duck fights back

littlewid-x-

WS

Now that's a good one

Lai

Oh yes...spot on

littlewid-x-

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

Lai

Nice one TB
WS

When I first noticed that my thingy was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.
But... After several weeks, my thingy had grown fifty centimeters.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.


"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," the wife said coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

tigerburnie wrote:D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

That's so funny TB your not blonde as well are you

littlewid-x-

Seasonal one, and there may be more to follow:

CORPORATE MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


Happy Holidays all!!
_________________

Brilliant TB That could be any Coperation in the world, and the language could be the same Love it
WS

That's a great one for today TB

Lai

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."



Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

Thanks TB needed something to cheer me up today
WS