Jokers Page

Two cannibals walking down the road the first one said, "did you have a nice holiday", the second one said "yes I had lovely weather, food was very good",the first one said said, "why have you got an arm missing", the second one said
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"I went self catering".

Lai

WS

Loved all of those TB, you are on form today....you've not been to the office party have you we needed cheering up this week and your doing a brilliant job

littlewid-x-

You lot obviously didn't read my virtual joke book I got then before you virtually posted it to Santa?

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Nope didn't read the Joke book before sending it TB.......but it's certainly got some crackers in it

littlewid-x-

Another good one TB
WS

Paddy & Mick found 3 hand grenades, and decided to take them to the Police Station

Mick: What if one of them explodes before we get there ?

Paddy: We'll lie, and say we only found 2

WS

That's just given me a right old giggle WS and it's one I will remember

littlewid-x-

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Should I tell her that the war is over?"

Cheeky but TB

littlewid-x-

I got sprayed by a snow plough the other day.
"B*stard!" I shouted (through gritted teeth)
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An unbelievable thing I read in the paper. At Christmas time too.
A little dwarf got pickpocketed ............
How could anyone stoop so low ?
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The Irish SAS have just stormed Dublin Zoo.
They killed three gorillas and have released all the ostriches!!
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I need your advice – I’ve been offered eight legs of venison for £40.
Is that two deer??!!

You still reading that Joke book then TB

littlewid-x-

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool..

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -


they're so arrogant and rude."



"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.



"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.

WS

It's the way you tell them WS

Lai

I read that twice till I got the joke WS I couldn't get why it was his only chance to drive....then it clicked Jim is the right sided twin and we drive on the left

littlewid-x-

Your not on your own LW I had to explain it to Mrs S . Women Drivers
WS
Uh Ho Could be in trouble now

Oooooo WS, you had better start running my friend as Lai would say ........MEOW

littlewid-x-

PS ....Are you going to show Mrs S that comment......bet you don't

In my local the other night I'd noticed they'd started doing a new drink called 'Elvis'

Never afraid to try new things I said to the barman 'I'll have an Elvis'

He then gave me a bottle of lemonade which went on to explode in my face.

Angrily wiping my brow I snapped 'Why the hell is that called an Elvis?'

'Because its all shook up' came the reply.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

A man's been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. In his defence he said "to be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit."

very good selection TB

Lai

Like the sandpaper one TB......kind of joke I would remember

littlewid-x-

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.